Torchwick Goes Christmas Shopping!
by genolution
Summary: Roman Torchwick drags Neo along to get some holiday season shopping done the one time of year they get breaks from being Cinder's bitch-boys! One-shot, inspired by the stories from the /r/RWBY moncon.


Roman Torchwick strode through the streets of Vale, cutting an imposing figure as his slender, graceful body parted the crowd before him, like dome sort of divine prophet parting a sea. Around him, the meek and timid _sheep_ huddled in fear of Roman Torchwick, nefarious criminal mastermind! Truly, he was a dominating presence, with his strength, intelligence, and oh so sexy bo-

"Gahh! Neo! Where did you come from?!" Torchwick started as his tiny hench(wo)man dropped down in front of him, interrupting his train of thought.

Silently cursing, Roman tried to regain composure.

Truly, he was a dominating-

Roman was interrupted again as Neo poked him and stamped her feet, pouting.

"What, Neo?"

"..."

"For the last time, yes! We are going to rob the mall! This is the one month out of the year that we get a break from robbing dust stores for Miss Fire Bitch Cinder, and we are going to have some fun, dammit!"

"..."

"Of course it's fun!"

"..."

"Because we're actually getting money! Profit is fun, Neo!"

"..."

"Uggghhhhh, fine! We'll rob the ice cream store on the way back to the hideout."

At that, Neo seemed to perk up and began skipping beside Roman, swinging her parasol.

_grumblegrumble_ "I swear, she never learns! You try to teach them, you try to set a proper evil example, but they never listen! Where did I go wrong?" Grumbled Roman. To add insult to injury, the small, skipping girl beside him looked absolutely ridiculous and certainly messed with his master criminal look.

Roman was still grumbling as they stepped into the first store in the mall, a small bookstore.

"Dukson's Book Trade, hunh?" Roman could've sworn that that puma had been dealt with. Ah well, they all looked the same to him. He was surprised that Faunus inside was working instead of off wherever Faunus went on break, like all his White Fang goons. Probably mating like crazy.

As he stepped in, Roman cleared his throat to call for attention. Seeing that he was being ignored, he raised Melodic Cudgel and fired a single shoot.

"Thank you, thank you!" He smiled as the denizens of the bookstore turned to him in fright. "This is a robbery! You all know how this goes, form n orderly line and hand me and my associate here", gesturing to Neo, "all of your valuables and cash, and nobody will get hurt!" After thinking for a moment, he added "Oh, and pass that cash register over! Come on, chop chop, we don't have all day!"

This process repeated again and again as the pair moved deeper into the mall, occasionally dealing with some pudgy mall cop or some moron trying to play hero. Roman left those to Neo-he was feeling pretty annoyed at how they were cutting into his vacation time, and their screaming certainly accelerated the rate at which everyone else moved. It was win-win!

"Who says criminals are stupid?" Laughed Roman as Neo 'dealt with' another person trying to play Mall Huntsman. Chuckling, he stepped in front of the Schnee-Mart superstore that anchored the mall. Sighing, he turned to Neo, who by this time had returned next to him and was much happier than before. "This, is the jackpot. Schnee-Mart during the holiday season, filled with cash registers and safes stuffed with consumerist lien!"

"..."

"Shut up, Neo, let me have this. I haven't had time to plan a decent heist with Fire Bitch and her lackeys on our asses."

"..."

"No, I AM NOT WHIPPED! We aren't even that way! If anything, that street rat sycophant of hers, Sapphire or something, she's whipped!"

"..."

"... Fine. Point."

Shaking off the previous conversation, Roman and Neo stepped into the entrance of the Schnee-Mart and drew their weapons.

"Hey!" Came a voice from behind Roman.

Turning, the thief noticed the four girls who had been giving him so much trouble.

"Red! How great to see you! I see you brought the Ice Queen, Hello Kitty, and Miss Bitchy Pushover!"

"..."

"Fine, Neo. Correction! Miss Bitchy Hot Pushover!" Corrected Roman as Neo winked at Yang and made a 'call me' gesture.

"Stop what you're doing, Torchwick!"

"Or what, Red? You're going to arrest me?"

"No, but we are going to leave you."

Roman laughed. "Wow, Cinder was right! Huntresses are just big wimps with fancy tricks!"

Weiss continued on for Ruby "We're going to leave you in the entrance to Schnee-Mart in while the White Friday sales are starting."

Roman stopped chuckling and noticed the horde of deranged looking Christmas shoppers behind the girls. Gulping, he turned back to the huntresses-in-training.

"Alright Team RWBY! Execute manuever A-15215-3!" Cheered Ruby.

"Uhh, what?" Went Weiss, Blake, and Yang.

"Pull a Torchwick!" Well! Roman was certainly flattered they had named another move after him, smooth operator that he was.

"Run away!" Went the rest, scattering.

Thoroughly miffed, Roman looked at Neo. "I don't run away that often, do I?"

"..."

"Fine." Answered Roman in resignation as the shoppers thundered towards the pair. "There's always next year-wait, don't leave me! No! Auggh! Heeeeelllllllpppppppppp!" As Neo vanished into thin air.


End file.
